The First Step

First Day of my TMS Therapy with Dr Annette Bosworth was yesterday, I am sorry for the delay in posting about it, but when I finally got home last night, I was finally ready for a good night sleep. Little did I know how restful the night of sleep was going to be. 

Ok, so I had done as much research regarding TMS as I could, and knew I was ready to get started. What I had not expected was how overwhelmed I got when the coil had been placed in just the right spot and i was in my "Happy Place", I realized I had tears running down my face about what I had been thinking about. The overwhelming longer I had to actually be in that place. It does involve another person so I don't feel it right to speak about them and these feelings too openly and name names. I was longing to be in that place and time, with that person.  I had to find a new "Happy Place" and believe me, the pleasure, comfort, and stresslessness of the first was nearly euphoric for me. In this place I felt safe, loved, and honestly I felt whole and complete. Funny how that all came through, because ultimately it just made me cry.

Oh my I can't wait to find out what i feel going forward!  Post to ya more later today!

Saturday before TMS

Here I sit on Sat Evening, it's a beautiful 78 degrees outside, windows are open throughout the house. This is the first time I have had a chance to air out the house since I quit smoking 3 and a half months ago.  I love that I quit finally, but could the diabetes held off a little longer. I am feeling a little sorry for myself and a little bit picked on by God. I rarely drink, I have never tried illegal drugs, I got rid of my smoking by choice and Coke was my only vice I had left.  I have to be honest, I am actually in the middle of having a bit of Coke right now, but still.

OK, I have done enough whining and need to be glass half full!  I am only 2 days ways from starting what I hope to be the most remarkable scientific advancement in mental health, I am talking about TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Thearpy,  https://www.meaningfulmedicine.org/tms  and http://neurostar.com/nondrug-treatment-for-depression/neurostar-transcranial-magnetic-stimulation-therapy/)

I have lived with my depression for more than 20 years, and have had 3 major breakdowns, with the most recent having been not long after I started using Chantix to assist me in quitting smoking. The thing is I can't really remember when I had a first "breakdown" or "Outburst".  The earliest memory I have that is really clear, is hearing someone yelling "the car was going to blow". That was a warm evening in Aug 1985. I had just come back from CA and was ready for some time out with my friends, we were going bowling, if I remember right. I was driving and everything went black, except for a very bright white light in the shape of broken glass. Then the yelling start, and everything was really hazy from there. I know someone keep trying to wake me up or kept saying my name, but I really don't remember much, all I wanted to do was sleep or keep my eyes shut, especially since both eyes had something in them, later it turned out to be glass from the windshield of the car. I remember being told I was in the ambulance and that we were going to the hospital, but I don't remember the ride there. I do not remember much at the hospital, except having to have the glass flushed out of my eyes and picked off my face. I don't even remember being sent home that night.

At some point during the night or in the early morning, I know I was taken from my bed and returned to the hospital, and I know I was later told it was because i would not wake up when I was needed to be. I was kept at the hospital, but again, there is so little that will come back to me. If anyone out there has more details, please throw them out there for me.

Well that is all for tonight, I hope you all have an amazing Sunday, and the entry should be Monday after my first TMS treatment with Dr Boz!

The First Step...

I have been living with, sometime suffering with, Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder and weight issues for the better part of 20+ years. This is very difficult for anyone to admit about themselves, but I feel by writing this blog it will be another form of Therapy for me. I hope to learn and grow from TMS and the therapy that goes along with it.

I got turned on to TMS through an ad for a seminar on Facebook of all places.  I Googled TMS and found more information than expected, along with videos, so I quickly registered for the seminar and attended it the following night.  One of the speakers was a gal that had been through the Therapy very successfully, and I was feeling so encouraged. I felt like there may be hope out there for me yet.

Now that the day for my consultation is here, I am excited and nervous. Excited that this may take me on a journey to discover the real me, nervous that I wont meet the criteria to go forward. I am being very proactive about this, I am taking the most level headed and biggest cheerleader with me, my Dad, Dick DeVaney. I hope that we both hear all of the same information and he will help me know if this is best for me, because he does know me better than anyone.

After my initial meeting with the first group offering TMS and I have a friend from high school, that I had reconnected with at our last reunion get in contact with me because of what I had written in face. Chad Haber just had to have me meet with his wife Annette; also know as Dr Annette Bosworth and said of course right away because I remember Annette being so full of life and so fun. The next day I meet with Annette at her office Meaningful Medicine, never in my wildest dreams would I imagine she would have a TMS set up sitting in her office.  I felt some peace fall upon me. I had been struggling how to pay for the treatment.  This was the answer we had both been looking for, so we set an appointment for the following Friday.  

Check back and hear what went on through that discussion :)

Here goes Nothing and EVERYTHING all at the same time!

Welcome to my journey, it's going to have many twists and turns, and bumps along the way! This journey begins with a major car accident, and serious head trauma that has lead to a life of depression, anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, self esteem issues, eating disorders, and unstable weight issues.  I will be working with Dr. Annette Bosworth of Meaningful Medicine.  The next post I will tell you a bit about the past I remember and about my first meeting with Dr. Boz. I hope you will join me for this rediscovery of mental, emotional, and physical health.