I am sitting here tonight when I realize that something feels very off, like I am missing something or someone.  Then I realize, I am a bit choked up, cause I miss feeling sat in a way, not really the feeling sad part, but the sad me. It had been soo long since I saw that part of me, that I am feeling the lose. I am not sure if that make any sense at all, but it is the truth and my current reality. I need to do something to say goodbye to that once shell of a girl and celebrate the woman I am.  

TMS and Dr Boz has taken me to new realities that I never knew were possible. I can see and enjoy a bright sunny day and even find appreciation in the cloudy rainy ones.  I have 5 treatments left and I am excited to continue to learn and grow away from the shell of the girl I used to me. I am even willing to list my 5 Gratitudes for today...I am thankful for...

1.   The Lord above that gives us infinite number of chances to learn and grow
2.   For my Son Alec, he amazes me daily
3.   Friends new and old that renew the vow to stay healthy
      - Chad, my angel among us, at least for me
      - Melissa, window cleaner, I can see so much better
      - Matt, Ryan & Craig - So far away but always there cheering me on
      - Dr Boz - for making me feel whole
      - the work folks - for being so encouraging
      - Cindy - for putting reality into words
      - Dave for reminding me to believe in myself
      - Branon & Pam - I cheerleaders from a far (Congrats and much love to you both!)
      - "The Girls"  - Just know that you are out there when I need you!
4.   My Family - they are always there
5.   Most of all; For ME, MYSELF & I - Love me or hate me, you cant take me away from me!

7 Treatments to go!

I can not believe this journey is nearly over and that I only have 7 treatments to go. I can feel and see so many changes in myself, changes that I honestly could have never believed able to happen. the biggest difference in myself is my amount of creativity, and cant type fast enough to get my ideas out of my head. There are so many thing I want to do, and am not scared to look forward too anymore! I owe all that I am and all that I am becoming to the assistance of an incredible Doctor; Dr Annette Bosworth, she believed in me even when i didn't believe in myself. She is help in me heal body mind and spirit.   

Why I did TMS Therapy. Click on the link to watch a video on YouTube telling the world why I am doing TMS Therapy.

When it comes to being in control of the Diabetes, let me update you, I have lost 15lbs, not really enough for it to show, but yet enough for it to start making a difference. I am loving many of the changes I have made, including giving up Coca-cola, I drink more water now than I could have ever imagined. However, when you have a day at the movie theater, be sure to bring some Ice Cold Spring Water with, cause something inside of you will get really irritated by drinking Coke again and could result in a VERY LONG night.  When you get changes made, it;s best to stick with them and not go back to your old ways, you did it all for a great reason!

I did want to mention there are so many really yummy snacks out there for diabetics to enjoy, things like Veggie Chips, Sun Chips, Veggie or apple Straws, Teddy Grahams with honey, made with whole grain wheat, and the list gets longer everyday. on the Sweet side are Dried fruit such as Mangos, Pineapple, and so on. They are all so yummy, I have to be honest, I really dont miss much!

More & More Each Day!

I am coming to realize that, the healthier I think I am getting, the more and more I am finding out I need to work on and I only have a few treatments of TMS left to go. I had been thinking my subconscious need for chios was calmed, if not even nearly gone, just as I was being called out on it. I nearly cost myself a relationship with an amazing friend yesterday. I never considered myself a "Drama Queen", I am finding out the contrary. Now I need to figure out how to change that, that is the VERY LAST title I want following me! Please if anyone has been in my shoes and have any suggestion, i will take them now! 

My Reasons for doing TMS, This is recent Video I allowed to be in, feel free to take a peek!

                            Thank you!

Treatments No. 15 & 16

Happy Thursday everyone, it is not very easy for me to say that today after the day I had yesterday. I am becoming growingly concerned because I am working so hard to be positive while I am working through TMS, yet I keep being challenged constantly at the place I spend my days, I feel my happiness is being sabotaged from time to time, I was even asked yesterday by someone in a position above me, if I was being made to feel uncomfortable talking about my depression and treatment, what the heck? I am so darn proud of where I have come, but in the instant and still lingering with me even today, I feel embarrassed and feel like I should hang my head and not be me. Oh No way, I am proud of myself and I soo proud of the work I am doing, I am so tired of being made to question myself! I am tired of faking my support of people who cant support me!

I am feeling a bit better, it is nice to know that there are people out there that do understand to an extent that messing with the brain physically to help with the emotional has to be taxing, not to mention the nausea that comes from taking metformin is exhausting as well. Thank you 'H' for that! 

I know this TMS that Dr Annette Bosworth and are working on is doing A LOT for me. I think things through so much more clearly, I know and can validate my own feelings, not to mention, see myself more clearly than ever. Today we increased the time to an extra 15 minutes of treatment in the hopes that treatments will continue to go the right direction.

I want to take a moment and thank all of you for all of your support, kind words and thoughts! I am very open to answering any questions you may have, so please feel free to leave them for me. I also want to thank Chad for inspiring me to write this blog and to Mel for getting me through the bad days, and Doc for bringing us all together under your home away from home!

Start of Week 4

I am not off to the best start to the week, I wish there did not have to be such a huge jump down in the Cymbalta meds, I really hit a bad negative patch today, so I did take a 2nd pill today. There is no way I am going to be able to keep a job if I can not keep my tongue in check.

The tears are also flowing much more easily today, at least the latter part of the day. I really miss my best friend and my confidant.  They are two of the best people I know and all of these major changes are getting very overwhelming without them to lean on. One has become ill and the other is doing some self indulgent activities this weekend. I can't bring myself to let either of them know I need them, that would be very selfish on my part, and I work very hard at not allowing that to be me. Dr Bosworth reminds me all the time that tears are for cleaning out the soul, that does make a lot of sense.

join me in the next couple of days to see what happens in the beginning of the final 3 weeks of my TMS sessions. Just so I can get through the night on a positive note ~ 5 things I am thankful for that happened today.
~ I woke up and had a great job to go too
~ I was taught something new at work that will give me something to practice on
~ That it is OK to not be the best all the time
~ That i have the GREATEST son EVER!
~ That tomorrow is a new day!

Take time to create a gratitude list for your self, especially when things are not going your way!

This is the week when the “Cloud” or “Fog’ is supposed to lift and I am hopeful that it will. I just wish I did not have the messy stomach that I have get in the way of it. For those of you who do not know, I was recently diagnosed with Diabetes. And again for those who know me, I am fighting to get myself well as fast as I can, so I have changed my diet, quit eating fast food except Arby’s Turkey Bacon Ranch minus the Ranch or Subway using wheat breads. I now eat yogurt, I know (you who know me are all amazed) instead of ice cream and  I have also managed to cut 99% of my Coca Cola consumption and drink water 90% of the time now.  Huge achievements for me, I can’t even believe I have done as well as I have.  Well the meds that I have been given are not sitting so well, so now I stopped those and am not taking an anti-nausea med, really messes up my day when I forget to bring them to work with me. It did cause me to miss a day of TMS, and I think that was for the best.

I do feel like I am able to think through choices and decisions so much better these days, I am able to stop myself and think a little before simply reacting like I once did. I am really looking forward to the days to come, especially tomorrow. I get to take the first step toward going off of my anti-depressants. I have been so dizzy lately (HAHA, I know what some of you are thinking, and ummm NO! I am not a "DIZ") and being dizzy is a side effect of being on too much Cymbalta, so here we go...

Start of Week 3

Today has been another one of those days! I am so filled with emotions, good, bad and otherwise. So I go to my TMS session straight from work like I always do, and it is great. I love being able to share thing I have discovered or am feeling about myself through this journey, if validates it all for me.  This weekend I had a memory during a daydream or a regular dream of me as a little girl running through an empty parking lot chasing others and then all of the sudden i flipping around a bar and and land in a great deal of pain on a steel drain grate. I tell my parents about it and come to figure out that is when I first broke my arm in 2nd grade.  To me it is crazy how something so long ago and so very forgotten and be seen so clearly all of the sudden. Amazing!

I did run into a bit of a problem with my diabetes meds today, I did have to spend the afternoon between the toilet and the bed. I guess I ramped it up a little faster than i was supposed to and made myself pretty sick, hopefully better in the morning!

What is there to come over the next 4 - 5 week of TMS. It is Monday so it was weigh in time, I only lost approximately 3 lbs this week, but that's OK, just means more work ahead for me. I need to figure out some scheduling issues right now, if only I could do with MUCH less sleep. 

I would love to hear your ideas, or stories if you knew me back in the day, I am working so hard to , as I like to say, "Clear out the Cobwebs" so feel free to help out! Til my next post, take care and thank you!

2nd Week Done, and so many things discovered

I Want to say Thank you to everyone following along, Especially the folks who are guiding this tour of reality for me, Dr Laura Phen of VOA, Melissa my Tech for TMS and especially Dr Annette Bosworth and her Staff at Meaningful Medicine.

Dr Boz reminds me through Melissa everyday to remember what is truly the most important things in life! HAPPINESS is the most important, but sometimes you got cut through a hell of a lot of muck and mire to get to the good stuff. The number one thing that I am most grateful for is my life,  without my life I could have never gotten to number two, Alec's life. We may not have been dealt the best hand in the world, but we sure have made it a LONG way toward a pretty good living! 

I did come to a realization that it's a REALLY HARD pill to swallow when you finally realize that things are not what they seem or people are no longer who you always thought they were!  Maybe I am finally starting to see things MUCH more clearly. I did come to discover the one person I thought I could count on the very most in this world, may not be that person at all. It's really hard to find out the one you considered your best friend, the one who knows you inside and out, really doesn't care or really isn't there and really only is when it's been convenient for that person. It's hard to let go of what you always expected to last forever.

Let's end this on a High note, I have also discovered that I have more patience and life experience than I ever realized. I was very proud of myself at work today, I received and Complement Call from a Card holder, kind of makes for a really nice working Mother's Day!  To All of you that my be reading this and are Mothers...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Treatment #8; Clearing out the Cobwebs

This is the day after the 8th of 30+ treatments for me. I am beginning to feel like I have opened a door to a room that has not been opened for a ton of years. There are so many cobwebs to be cleaned out. Everything is so dusty and kind of cloudy at the moment. I have started having dreams again, but have not been able to remember them, and for me that is HUGE! It is a time in which I have to take advantage of this time for my newly developing areas of my Brain. Oh yeah, we started working on the anxiety area of my brain as well, that process is far too relaxing and easy to doze off while doing, and with as tired as I am lately that is easy to do, and think I may have yesterday.  Well I will update more tomorrow, thanks for continuing to follow my process...

End of Week 1 and Start of Week 2

Today is the first day of week 2 of TMS. There have been so many changes in the last week, but I think the schedule I am working under and the overwhelming number of emotions that are stirring up in my brain are starting to catch up to me today. Last night was the worst night of sleep i have had since all this start and the tears dont seem to want to stop this morning, Tired + Emotional = Bad combo. As Chad Haber, Dr Bosworth's husband and friend from high school reminded me to do, he reminded me to do a Gratitude List and this is what i use to help me get started each day

I hope this will help you to remember all the things you are as grateful for as I am. Made the day begin to brighten up. Thank you to www.theiowafarmerswife.com for publishing this on the web.

I have to focus on the fact that I have made so MANY HUGE changes that to have this day of "decompressing" as we were talking about at TMS today, not only am I messin with a part of my brain that may have been asleep for 20+ years, but my diet.

The physical issues that have come along today are body is achy and I believe that is because i tossed and turned so much last night. I tossed and turned because I was finally having dreams, not only dreams, but i believe they were nightmares. I do not remember them, but the fact that I was having them, makes me know something is happening with the TMS. I am glad that I did go for TMS even though I was not able to handle going to work today. I cant wait to feel great tomorrow!

By the way, I weighed in today and I am officially down 10 lbs in a week. I have cut out 95% of all my pop in take, and trust me it was enough to cause the Diabetes. I have cut out all white bread from the house. I even made meatloaf last night with wheat & rye bread, and that added so really good flavors. I have dropped ice cream, and for you who really know me, it's my favorite thing ever, the substitute that i am crazy about is Yoplait frozen yogurt especially the blueberry and black cherry flavors. I even managed to have a DeLite Pizza from Papa Murphy's Pizza. It helped make me feel less stressed about food.

Treatment Two

I will tell you what I figured from treatment two, do not go into TMS stressed and upset, it does nothing but make for a major headache later in the day.  Major may be pushing it a bit, but Yes a headache nonetheless. My blood pressure was raised and I was very upset with a matter at work, I wish i could just learn to let things go. The is was my outcome from TMS was for April 30.

Now it is time to deal with why the Diabetes came about, and my current weight and previous eating and even more so drinking habits, I believe, had everything to do with it. In my case I drank an embarrassing amount of Coke each and every day, it was all I would drink from the time I woke in the morning to the time I fell asleep at night, and even when I woke during the night. and my body has taken the hit for my lack of respect for it. The picture I am posting of myself was taken on April 29, 2013 by Dr Boz and I weighed 254 lb, and I am ashamed that I allowed it to happened to myself. I never felt the weight or thought much about it, but plan to never be there again. I never want to see that me again. That me could care less, the me that is writing this is ashamed and alone,  and I NEVER want to be that woman again!

The First Step

First Day of my TMS Therapy with Dr Annette Bosworth was yesterday, I am sorry for the delay in posting about it, but when I finally got home last night, I was finally ready for a good night sleep. Little did I know how restful the night of sleep was going to be. 

Ok, so I had done as much research regarding TMS as I could, and knew I was ready to get started. What I had not expected was how overwhelmed I got when the coil had been placed in just the right spot and i was in my "Happy Place", I realized I had tears running down my face about what I had been thinking about. The overwhelming longer I had to actually be in that place. It does involve another person so I don't feel it right to speak about them and these feelings too openly and name names. I was longing to be in that place and time, with that person.  I had to find a new "Happy Place" and believe me, the pleasure, comfort, and stresslessness of the first was nearly euphoric for me. In this place I felt safe, loved, and honestly I felt whole and complete. Funny how that all came through, because ultimately it just made me cry.

Oh my I can't wait to find out what i feel going forward!  Post to ya more later today!

Saturday before TMS

Here I sit on Sat Evening, it's a beautiful 78 degrees outside, windows are open throughout the house. This is the first time I have had a chance to air out the house since I quit smoking 3 and a half months ago.  I love that I quit finally, but could the diabetes held off a little longer. I am feeling a little sorry for myself and a little bit picked on by God. I rarely drink, I have never tried illegal drugs, I got rid of my smoking by choice and Coke was my only vice I had left.  I have to be honest, I am actually in the middle of having a bit of Coke right now, but still.

OK, I have done enough whining and need to be glass half full!  I am only 2 days ways from starting what I hope to be the most remarkable scientific advancement in mental health, I am talking about TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Thearpy,  https://www.meaningfulmedicine.org/tms  and http://neurostar.com/nondrug-treatment-for-depression/neurostar-transcranial-magnetic-stimulation-therapy/)

I have lived with my depression for more than 20 years, and have had 3 major breakdowns, with the most recent having been not long after I started using Chantix to assist me in quitting smoking. The thing is I can't really remember when I had a first "breakdown" or "Outburst".  The earliest memory I have that is really clear, is hearing someone yelling "the car was going to blow". That was a warm evening in Aug 1985. I had just come back from CA and was ready for some time out with my friends, we were going bowling, if I remember right. I was driving and everything went black, except for a very bright white light in the shape of broken glass. Then the yelling start, and everything was really hazy from there. I know someone keep trying to wake me up or kept saying my name, but I really don't remember much, all I wanted to do was sleep or keep my eyes shut, especially since both eyes had something in them, later it turned out to be glass from the windshield of the car. I remember being told I was in the ambulance and that we were going to the hospital, but I don't remember the ride there. I do not remember much at the hospital, except having to have the glass flushed out of my eyes and picked off my face. I don't even remember being sent home that night.

At some point during the night or in the early morning, I know I was taken from my bed and returned to the hospital, and I know I was later told it was because i would not wake up when I was needed to be. I was kept at the hospital, but again, there is so little that will come back to me. If anyone out there has more details, please throw them out there for me.

Well that is all for tonight, I hope you all have an amazing Sunday, and the entry should be Monday after my first TMS treatment with Dr Boz!

The First Step...

I have been living with, sometime suffering with, Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder and weight issues for the better part of 20+ years. This is very difficult for anyone to admit about themselves, but I feel by writing this blog it will be another form of Therapy for me. I hope to learn and grow from TMS and the therapy that goes along with it.

I got turned on to TMS through an ad for a seminar on Facebook of all places.  I Googled TMS and found more information than expected, along with videos, so I quickly registered for the seminar and attended it the following night.  One of the speakers was a gal that had been through the Therapy very successfully, and I was feeling so encouraged. I felt like there may be hope out there for me yet.

Now that the day for my consultation is here, I am excited and nervous. Excited that this may take me on a journey to discover the real me, nervous that I wont meet the criteria to go forward. I am being very proactive about this, I am taking the most level headed and biggest cheerleader with me, my Dad, Dick DeVaney. I hope that we both hear all of the same information and he will help me know if this is best for me, because he does know me better than anyone.

After my initial meeting with the first group offering TMS and I have a friend from high school, that I had reconnected with at our last reunion get in contact with me because of what I had written in face. Chad Haber just had to have me meet with his wife Annette; also know as Dr Annette Bosworth and said of course right away because I remember Annette being so full of life and so fun. The next day I meet with Annette at her office Meaningful Medicine, never in my wildest dreams would I imagine she would have a TMS set up sitting in her office.  I felt some peace fall upon me. I had been struggling how to pay for the treatment.  This was the answer we had both been looking for, so we set an appointment for the following Friday.  

Check back and hear what went on through that discussion :)

Here goes Nothing and EVERYTHING all at the same time!

Welcome to my journey, it's going to have many twists and turns, and bumps along the way! This journey begins with a major car accident, and serious head trauma that has lead to a life of depression, anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, self esteem issues, eating disorders, and unstable weight issues.  I will be working with Dr. Annette Bosworth of Meaningful Medicine.  The next post I will tell you a bit about the past I remember and about my first meeting with Dr. Boz. I hope you will join me for this rediscovery of mental, emotional, and physical health.