I am sitting here tonight when I realize that something feels very off, like I am missing something or someone.  Then I realize, I am a bit choked up, cause I miss feeling sat in a way, not really the feeling sad part, but the sad me. It had been soo long since I saw that part of me, that I am feeling the lose. I am not sure if that make any sense at all, but it is the truth and my current reality. I need to do something to say goodbye to that once shell of a girl and celebrate the woman I am.  

TMS and Dr Boz has taken me to new realities that I never knew were possible. I can see and enjoy a bright sunny day and even find appreciation in the cloudy rainy ones.  I have 5 treatments left and I am excited to continue to learn and grow away from the shell of the girl I used to me. I am even willing to list my 5 Gratitudes for today...I am thankful for...

1.   The Lord above that gives us infinite number of chances to learn and grow
2.   For my Son Alec, he amazes me daily
3.   Friends new and old that renew the vow to stay healthy
      - Chad, my angel among us, at least for me
      - Melissa, window cleaner, I can see so much better
      - Matt, Ryan & Craig - So far away but always there cheering me on
      - Dr Boz - for making me feel whole
      - the work folks - for being so encouraging
      - Cindy - for putting reality into words
      - Dave for reminding me to believe in myself
      - Branon & Pam - I cheerleaders from a far (Congrats and much love to you both!)
      - "The Girls"  - Just know that you are out there when I need you!
4.   My Family - they are always there
5.   Most of all; For ME, MYSELF & I - Love me or hate me, you cant take me away from me!

7 Treatments to go!

I can not believe this journey is nearly over and that I only have 7 treatments to go. I can feel and see so many changes in myself, changes that I honestly could have never believed able to happen. the biggest difference in myself is my amount of creativity, and cant type fast enough to get my ideas out of my head. There are so many thing I want to do, and am not scared to look forward too anymore! I owe all that I am and all that I am becoming to the assistance of an incredible Doctor; Dr Annette Bosworth, she believed in me even when i didn't believe in myself. She is help in me heal body mind and spirit.   

Why I did TMS Therapy. Click on the link to watch a video on YouTube telling the world why I am doing TMS Therapy.

When it comes to being in control of the Diabetes, let me update you, I have lost 15lbs, not really enough for it to show, but yet enough for it to start making a difference. I am loving many of the changes I have made, including giving up Coca-cola, I drink more water now than I could have ever imagined. However, when you have a day at the movie theater, be sure to bring some Ice Cold Spring Water with, cause something inside of you will get really irritated by drinking Coke again and could result in a VERY LONG night.  When you get changes made, it;s best to stick with them and not go back to your old ways, you did it all for a great reason!

I did want to mention there are so many really yummy snacks out there for diabetics to enjoy, things like Veggie Chips, Sun Chips, Veggie or apple Straws, Teddy Grahams with honey, made with whole grain wheat, and the list gets longer everyday. on the Sweet side are Dried fruit such as Mangos, Pineapple, and so on. They are all so yummy, I have to be honest, I really dont miss much!

More & More Each Day!

I am coming to realize that, the healthier I think I am getting, the more and more I am finding out I need to work on and I only have a few treatments of TMS left to go. I had been thinking my subconscious need for chios was calmed, if not even nearly gone, just as I was being called out on it. I nearly cost myself a relationship with an amazing friend yesterday. I never considered myself a "Drama Queen", I am finding out the contrary. Now I need to figure out how to change that, that is the VERY LAST title I want following me! Please if anyone has been in my shoes and have any suggestion, i will take them now! 

My Reasons for doing TMS, This is recent Video I allowed to be in, feel free to take a peek!

                            Thank you!

Treatments No. 15 & 16

Happy Thursday everyone, it is not very easy for me to say that today after the day I had yesterday. I am becoming growingly concerned because I am working so hard to be positive while I am working through TMS, yet I keep being challenged constantly at the place I spend my days, I feel my happiness is being sabotaged from time to time, I was even asked yesterday by someone in a position above me, if I was being made to feel uncomfortable talking about my depression and treatment, what the heck? I am so darn proud of where I have come, but in the instant and still lingering with me even today, I feel embarrassed and feel like I should hang my head and not be me. Oh No way, I am proud of myself and I soo proud of the work I am doing, I am so tired of being made to question myself! I am tired of faking my support of people who cant support me!

I am feeling a bit better, it is nice to know that there are people out there that do understand to an extent that messing with the brain physically to help with the emotional has to be taxing, not to mention the nausea that comes from taking metformin is exhausting as well. Thank you 'H' for that! 

I know this TMS that Dr Annette Bosworth and are working on is doing A LOT for me. I think things through so much more clearly, I know and can validate my own feelings, not to mention, see myself more clearly than ever. Today we increased the time to an extra 15 minutes of treatment in the hopes that treatments will continue to go the right direction.

I want to take a moment and thank all of you for all of your support, kind words and thoughts! I am very open to answering any questions you may have, so please feel free to leave them for me. I also want to thank Chad for inspiring me to write this blog and to Mel for getting me through the bad days, and Doc for bringing us all together under your home away from home!

Start of Week 4

I am not off to the best start to the week, I wish there did not have to be such a huge jump down in the Cymbalta meds, I really hit a bad negative patch today, so I did take a 2nd pill today. There is no way I am going to be able to keep a job if I can not keep my tongue in check.

The tears are also flowing much more easily today, at least the latter part of the day. I really miss my best friend and my confidant.  They are two of the best people I know and all of these major changes are getting very overwhelming without them to lean on. One has become ill and the other is doing some self indulgent activities this weekend. I can't bring myself to let either of them know I need them, that would be very selfish on my part, and I work very hard at not allowing that to be me. Dr Bosworth reminds me all the time that tears are for cleaning out the soul, that does make a lot of sense.

join me in the next couple of days to see what happens in the beginning of the final 3 weeks of my TMS sessions. Just so I can get through the night on a positive note ~ 5 things I am thankful for that happened today.
~ I woke up and had a great job to go too
~ I was taught something new at work that will give me something to practice on
~ That it is OK to not be the best all the time
~ That i have the GREATEST son EVER!
~ That tomorrow is a new day!

Take time to create a gratitude list for your self, especially when things are not going your way!

This is the week when the “Cloud” or “Fog’ is supposed to lift and I am hopeful that it will. I just wish I did not have the messy stomach that I have get in the way of it. For those of you who do not know, I was recently diagnosed with Diabetes. And again for those who know me, I am fighting to get myself well as fast as I can, so I have changed my diet, quit eating fast food except Arby’s Turkey Bacon Ranch minus the Ranch or Subway using wheat breads. I now eat yogurt, I know (you who know me are all amazed) instead of ice cream and  I have also managed to cut 99% of my Coca Cola consumption and drink water 90% of the time now.  Huge achievements for me, I can’t even believe I have done as well as I have.  Well the meds that I have been given are not sitting so well, so now I stopped those and am not taking an anti-nausea med, really messes up my day when I forget to bring them to work with me. It did cause me to miss a day of TMS, and I think that was for the best.

I do feel like I am able to think through choices and decisions so much better these days, I am able to stop myself and think a little before simply reacting like I once did. I am really looking forward to the days to come, especially tomorrow. I get to take the first step toward going off of my anti-depressants. I have been so dizzy lately (HAHA, I know what some of you are thinking, and ummm NO! I am not a "DIZ") and being dizzy is a side effect of being on too much Cymbalta, so here we go...