More & More Each Day!

I am coming to realize that, the healthier I think I am getting, the more and more I am finding out I need to work on and I only have a few treatments of TMS left to go. I had been thinking my subconscious need for chios was calmed, if not even nearly gone, just as I was being called out on it. I nearly cost myself a relationship with an amazing friend yesterday. I never considered myself a "Drama Queen", I am finding out the contrary. Now I need to figure out how to change that, that is the VERY LAST title I want following me! Please if anyone has been in my shoes and have any suggestion, i will take them now! 

My Reasons for doing TMS, This is recent Video I allowed to be in, feel free to take a peek!

                            Thank you!

Treatments No. 15 & 16

Happy Thursday everyone, it is not very easy for me to say that today after the day I had yesterday. I am becoming growingly concerned because I am working so hard to be positive while I am working through TMS, yet I keep being challenged constantly at the place I spend my days, I feel my happiness is being sabotaged from time to time, I was even asked yesterday by someone in a position above me, if I was being made to feel uncomfortable talking about my depression and treatment, what the heck? I am so darn proud of where I have come, but in the instant and still lingering with me even today, I feel embarrassed and feel like I should hang my head and not be me. Oh No way, I am proud of myself and I soo proud of the work I am doing, I am so tired of being made to question myself! I am tired of faking my support of people who cant support me!

I am feeling a bit better, it is nice to know that there are people out there that do understand to an extent that messing with the brain physically to help with the emotional has to be taxing, not to mention the nausea that comes from taking metformin is exhausting as well. Thank you 'H' for that! 

I know this TMS that Dr Annette Bosworth and are working on is doing A LOT for me. I think things through so much more clearly, I know and can validate my own feelings, not to mention, see myself more clearly than ever. Today we increased the time to an extra 15 minutes of treatment in the hopes that treatments will continue to go the right direction.

I want to take a moment and thank all of you for all of your support, kind words and thoughts! I am very open to answering any questions you may have, so please feel free to leave them for me. I also want to thank Chad for inspiring me to write this blog and to Mel for getting me through the bad days, and Doc for bringing us all together under your home away from home!

Start of Week 4

I am not off to the best start to the week, I wish there did not have to be such a huge jump down in the Cymbalta meds, I really hit a bad negative patch today, so I did take a 2nd pill today. There is no way I am going to be able to keep a job if I can not keep my tongue in check.

The tears are also flowing much more easily today, at least the latter part of the day. I really miss my best friend and my confidant.  They are two of the best people I know and all of these major changes are getting very overwhelming without them to lean on. One has become ill and the other is doing some self indulgent activities this weekend. I can't bring myself to let either of them know I need them, that would be very selfish on my part, and I work very hard at not allowing that to be me. Dr Bosworth reminds me all the time that tears are for cleaning out the soul, that does make a lot of sense.

join me in the next couple of days to see what happens in the beginning of the final 3 weeks of my TMS sessions. Just so I can get through the night on a positive note ~ 5 things I am thankful for that happened today.
~ I woke up and had a great job to go too
~ I was taught something new at work that will give me something to practice on
~ That it is OK to not be the best all the time
~ That i have the GREATEST son EVER!
~ That tomorrow is a new day!

Take time to create a gratitude list for your self, especially when things are not going your way!

This is the week when the “Cloud” or “Fog’ is supposed to lift and I am hopeful that it will. I just wish I did not have the messy stomach that I have get in the way of it. For those of you who do not know, I was recently diagnosed with Diabetes. And again for those who know me, I am fighting to get myself well as fast as I can, so I have changed my diet, quit eating fast food except Arby’s Turkey Bacon Ranch minus the Ranch or Subway using wheat breads. I now eat yogurt, I know (you who know me are all amazed) instead of ice cream and  I have also managed to cut 99% of my Coca Cola consumption and drink water 90% of the time now.  Huge achievements for me, I can’t even believe I have done as well as I have.  Well the meds that I have been given are not sitting so well, so now I stopped those and am not taking an anti-nausea med, really messes up my day when I forget to bring them to work with me. It did cause me to miss a day of TMS, and I think that was for the best.

I do feel like I am able to think through choices and decisions so much better these days, I am able to stop myself and think a little before simply reacting like I once did. I am really looking forward to the days to come, especially tomorrow. I get to take the first step toward going off of my anti-depressants. I have been so dizzy lately (HAHA, I know what some of you are thinking, and ummm NO! I am not a "DIZ") and being dizzy is a side effect of being on too much Cymbalta, so here we go...

Start of Week 3

Today has been another one of those days! I am so filled with emotions, good, bad and otherwise. So I go to my TMS session straight from work like I always do, and it is great. I love being able to share thing I have discovered or am feeling about myself through this journey, if validates it all for me.  This weekend I had a memory during a daydream or a regular dream of me as a little girl running through an empty parking lot chasing others and then all of the sudden i flipping around a bar and and land in a great deal of pain on a steel drain grate. I tell my parents about it and come to figure out that is when I first broke my arm in 2nd grade.  To me it is crazy how something so long ago and so very forgotten and be seen so clearly all of the sudden. Amazing!

I did run into a bit of a problem with my diabetes meds today, I did have to spend the afternoon between the toilet and the bed. I guess I ramped it up a little faster than i was supposed to and made myself pretty sick, hopefully better in the morning!

What is there to come over the next 4 - 5 week of TMS. It is Monday so it was weigh in time, I only lost approximately 3 lbs this week, but that's OK, just means more work ahead for me. I need to figure out some scheduling issues right now, if only I could do with MUCH less sleep. 

I would love to hear your ideas, or stories if you knew me back in the day, I am working so hard to , as I like to say, "Clear out the Cobwebs" so feel free to help out! Til my next post, take care and thank you!

2nd Week Done, and so many things discovered

I Want to say Thank you to everyone following along, Especially the folks who are guiding this tour of reality for me, Dr Laura Phen of VOA, Melissa my Tech for TMS and especially Dr Annette Bosworth and her Staff at Meaningful Medicine.

Dr Boz reminds me through Melissa everyday to remember what is truly the most important things in life! HAPPINESS is the most important, but sometimes you got cut through a hell of a lot of muck and mire to get to the good stuff. The number one thing that I am most grateful for is my life,  without my life I could have never gotten to number two, Alec's life. We may not have been dealt the best hand in the world, but we sure have made it a LONG way toward a pretty good living! 

I did come to a realization that it's a REALLY HARD pill to swallow when you finally realize that things are not what they seem or people are no longer who you always thought they were!  Maybe I am finally starting to see things MUCH more clearly. I did come to discover the one person I thought I could count on the very most in this world, may not be that person at all. It's really hard to find out the one you considered your best friend, the one who knows you inside and out, really doesn't care or really isn't there and really only is when it's been convenient for that person. It's hard to let go of what you always expected to last forever.

Let's end this on a High note, I have also discovered that I have more patience and life experience than I ever realized. I was very proud of myself at work today, I received and Complement Call from a Card holder, kind of makes for a really nice working Mother's Day!  To All of you that my be reading this and are Mothers...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Treatment #8; Clearing out the Cobwebs

This is the day after the 8th of 30+ treatments for me. I am beginning to feel like I have opened a door to a room that has not been opened for a ton of years. There are so many cobwebs to be cleaned out. Everything is so dusty and kind of cloudy at the moment. I have started having dreams again, but have not been able to remember them, and for me that is HUGE! It is a time in which I have to take advantage of this time for my newly developing areas of my Brain. Oh yeah, we started working on the anxiety area of my brain as well, that process is far too relaxing and easy to doze off while doing, and with as tired as I am lately that is easy to do, and think I may have yesterday.  Well I will update more tomorrow, thanks for continuing to follow my process...

End of Week 1 and Start of Week 2

Today is the first day of week 2 of TMS. There have been so many changes in the last week, but I think the schedule I am working under and the overwhelming number of emotions that are stirring up in my brain are starting to catch up to me today. Last night was the worst night of sleep i have had since all this start and the tears dont seem to want to stop this morning, Tired + Emotional = Bad combo. As Chad Haber, Dr Bosworth's husband and friend from high school reminded me to do, he reminded me to do a Gratitude List and this is what i use to help me get started each day

I hope this will help you to remember all the things you are as grateful for as I am. Made the day begin to brighten up. Thank you to www.theiowafarmerswife.com for publishing this on the web.

I have to focus on the fact that I have made so MANY HUGE changes that to have this day of "decompressing" as we were talking about at TMS today, not only am I messin with a part of my brain that may have been asleep for 20+ years, but my diet.

The physical issues that have come along today are body is achy and I believe that is because i tossed and turned so much last night. I tossed and turned because I was finally having dreams, not only dreams, but i believe they were nightmares. I do not remember them, but the fact that I was having them, makes me know something is happening with the TMS. I am glad that I did go for TMS even though I was not able to handle going to work today. I cant wait to feel great tomorrow!

By the way, I weighed in today and I am officially down 10 lbs in a week. I have cut out 95% of all my pop in take, and trust me it was enough to cause the Diabetes. I have cut out all white bread from the house. I even made meatloaf last night with wheat & rye bread, and that added so really good flavors. I have dropped ice cream, and for you who really know me, it's my favorite thing ever, the substitute that i am crazy about is Yoplait frozen yogurt especially the blueberry and black cherry flavors. I even managed to have a DeLite Pizza from Papa Murphy's Pizza. It helped make me feel less stressed about food.

Treatment Two

I will tell you what I figured from treatment two, do not go into TMS stressed and upset, it does nothing but make for a major headache later in the day.  Major may be pushing it a bit, but Yes a headache nonetheless. My blood pressure was raised and I was very upset with a matter at work, I wish i could just learn to let things go. The is was my outcome from TMS was for April 30.

Now it is time to deal with why the Diabetes came about, and my current weight and previous eating and even more so drinking habits, I believe, had everything to do with it. In my case I drank an embarrassing amount of Coke each and every day, it was all I would drink from the time I woke in the morning to the time I fell asleep at night, and even when I woke during the night. and my body has taken the hit for my lack of respect for it. The picture I am posting of myself was taken on April 29, 2013 by Dr Boz and I weighed 254 lb, and I am ashamed that I allowed it to happened to myself. I never felt the weight or thought much about it, but plan to never be there again. I never want to see that me again. That me could care less, the me that is writing this is ashamed and alone,  and I NEVER want to be that woman again!